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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  July 20, 2011 7:30pm-8:00pm PDT

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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the "report," everybody! change for joining us. (crowd chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) nicely done. nicely done. yes. thank you so much. welcome to the "report," everybody. thank you for joining us. thank you in here; out there. and, folks, this crawl down here is my way of thanking these heroes for donating to my super
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pac. each and every one of them is as precious to me as one of my children who has given money to me. (laughter) folks, this year colbert nation is going to be a player in the election. now, i'm on record as saying i think newt gingrich is the guy. (laughter) but i think i may have to eat a little crow. or whatever it is that newt's been eating. (laughter) i'm going to say oreo cakesters. (laughter) the former speaker of the house announced his candidacy back in may and he hasn't been seen much since apart from a guest spot on c-span's "i love the '90s." (laughter) now newt's been struggling in the polls, he lost most of his staff, then he lost the rest of his staff. (laughter) and to top it off he lost the startup disk for his wife. (laughter and applause)
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it keeps beach balling. now, folks, there's been more bad news. according to records filed with the f.e.c., newt's campaign is one million dollars in debt. folks, this is perfectly understandable. newt has major expenses. for instance, he spent $800,000 on his campaign web site. (laughter) now, sure, newt could have had his nine-year-old nephew design a web site and all he'd have to have paid him was one of his oreo snacksers-- snacksters, cakesters. but for 800k grand large, out got one flashy state-of-the-art interactive cyber web portal net. look! it's got a logo and it's clearly photo capable. (laughter) it's got a "donate" button. a "donate today" button. another "donate to support the campaign" button and a "donate
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now" button. so clearly... (laughter and applause) clearly the core message is getting out. still, i can't figure out why $800,000... wait a minute... is that a facebook share icon? (laughter) those aren't cheep! so clearly every penny accounted for. but the rest of newt debt stems from his frequent private jet travel, like the $400,000 he presently owes moby dick airways. (laughter) what a shame that this debt to member bidick may cripple newt's campaign. he has pursued the presidency for years, hunted it with a single-minded devotion. it's like the presidency is his... his... i'm blanking here. jimmy, help me out with an appropriate image. no, no, no. (laughter) something else. white whale!
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(applause) well, with money tight, newt will have to abandon moby dick airways and start traveling on metaphorical unobtainable goals butline. (laughter) so clearly we need another guy to be the guy. fortunately, the republican presidential field is an embarrassment of rich riches. (laughter) in fact, the first two words that come to mind are "embarrass." and "rich." (laughter) but i am intrigued by one candidate who hasn't declared yet. texas governor and future josh brolin role rick perry. and i am not the only one who is sporting a texas long horn. >> the new infatuation is rick perry, governor of texas. i'm very interested in rick perry. >> who's your dream candidate to get into the race? >> i would love for rick perry to get into it. >> this man needs to be
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president. >> stephen: (as last speaker) i complete... ahem. i completely agree. this man needs to be president. we haven't had a texas governor in the white house for almost three years! think of all the uncleared brush we've built up! (laughter) and, folks, perry may be going for it because on august 6 he is holding a rally called "the response." >> this is governor rick perry and i'm inviting you to join your fellow americans in a day of prayer and fasting on behalf of our nation. with the economy in trouble, communities in crisis, and people adrift in a sea of moral relativism, we need god's help. i sincerely hope you'll join me in houston on august 6 and take your place in reliance stadium with praying people asking god's forgiveness. >> stephen: yes! come pray and fast at reliant stadium. but bring your wallet because at n.f.l. concession stands even nothing costs $12. (laughter) governor perry knows that prayer is the only way to fix our problems, folks.
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as he told a group of donors, with the tough challenges facing america "it's time to just hand it over to god and say god, you're going to have to fix this." (laughter) inspiring words. perry has looked at our problem squarely in the eye and said "i got nothing." (laughter) "jump in any time here." (laughter and applause) of course after this, the atheists took a break from scratching "in god we trust" off our nickels to attack the governor. >> the freedom from religion foundation is arguing perry's attendance violates the separation of church and state. >> this is exclusively christian and it is absolutely crossing the line of church and state. >> stephen: not true, godless man cube! (laughter) the response railly is open to everyone. its web site clearly states that people of all ages, races, and
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backgrounds will be in attendance to proclaim jesus as savior. (laughter) see? it doesn't cross the line between church and state! it erases it! (laughter) folks, rick perry is the guy. because this rally proves he's tight with god. they would make a great ticket! now, i'm thinking yahweh for vice president because, like joe biden, he's kind of a gas machine. (laughter) i mean, floods, pest lins pesti, emus? do we really need them and ostriches? plus, god invented circumcision. the negative ad just writes itself. (laughter) >> governor yahweh claims he wants to cut federal spending. but he also wants to cut off the tip of your penis. (laughter) yahweh, wrong for america; wrong
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for your penis. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: tough stuff. tough but true, i've got to say. plus perry is a straight shooter when it comes to shooting straight at stuff. jim? >> texas governor rick perry has a message for wily coyotes out there. don't mess with my dogs. perry said he shot a coyote with a laser sighted pistol after it was menacing his dog during an early morning jog. >> stephen: that's right. rick perry jogs with a laser sighted pistol strapped to his arm. (laughter) in texas, guns are also mp3 players. (laughter) now, when questioned about killing the coyote, perry had a rock-solid explanation. "either me or the dog were in imminent danger. i did the appropriate thing and sent it to where coyotes go." (laughter) which i assume was into a canyon wearing rocket skates.
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and perry even told the "des moines register" "i'm getting more and more comfortable everyday that this is what i've been called to do." sadly, yesterday the governor backed off the claim that god was calling him to run saying "there's a lot of different ways to be called. my mother may call me for dinn dinner." (laughter) exactly! exactly! maybe he's just been called for dinner by his mom! wait! what's that on his grilled cheese sandwich? jesus! (laughter and applause) oh, please. oh, please, lord, please send rick a sign. perhaps like you showed noah, send rick a rainbow. no, wait, that's kind of gay. (laughter) you know what? just send him cash, he'll take it from there. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) nd howling]
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hello. release mountain freshness. fabio. surprise. it's you. old spice matterhorn. fabio. matterhorn. [ laughs ] [ old spice whistle ]
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(cheers and applause). >> stephen: welcome back! folks, thank you. folks, last week china urged the united states to raise our debt ceiling. >> china holds a trillion dollars in u.s. debt, as you know. shaking their finger at us and saying "you guys dare not go into default. >> stephen: evidently the chinese symbol for crisis is also the symbol for "i wants my money, bitch."
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(laughter) china has been spooked by reports that rating agencies like fitch and moody's may drop the country's credit rating. but they shouldn't worry, folks, because just yesterday fitch reported that even if we defaulted they'd only drop us from a.a.a. to b+. i mean, b+ is fine. who needs straight as? we'd look like fiscal nerds. (laughter) and a.a.a. to b+ is a drop of only 13 levels, putting us on par with zambia. (laughter) that could be good for us. after all, zambia's life expectancy is just 38. so social security and medicare, solved. (laughter) so, folks, just remember even if we default on august 2 we'll be no worse off than subsaharan africa. but i don't even buy that august 2 cutoff date. and i'm not alone. jim? >> is that august 2 deadline
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really a deadline? >> this is the fourth time they have set this artificial limit. >> here we are up against an august 2 deadline. >> these are arbitrary dates made up out of thin air. >> these dates and times are made up! >> stephen: yes! it's made up! it's just another arbitrary madeup government date, like thursday! (laughter) does it really is to happen right after wednesday? couldn't we move it back to the weekend so we have more time to enjoy it? (laughter) but if august 2 is an arbitrary date, why are president barack obama, the major ratings agencies and every u.s. financial expert putting so much weight on it? it must be a conspiracy! (cheers and applause) think, colbert, think. why would the president insist on an august 2 deadline? help me out, manatee of the airwaves. >> obama's out there pushing this magic august 2 deadline to get this thing done. that's because ramadan starts august 1. (audience reacts)
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ramadan starts august 1. and for some reason, president "not a muslim" is all frantic to settle this by then. not to mention that august 2 is the 77th anniversary of hitler becoming fuhrer of germany and the 47th anniversary of the gulf of tonkin incident. so this could very well be a muslim nazi vietcong conspiracy to keep america fiscally solvent unless there's something even more sinister! yesterday texas g.o.p. congressman and human fence post louie gohmert unveiled the most shocking theory of them all. >> i can't help be a little cynical here because we find out the president has a big birthday bash scheduled for august 3, celebrities flying in from all over. and lo and behold august 2 is the deadline for getting something done so that he can
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have this massive... maybe the biggest fund-raising dinner in history a birthday celebration. >> stephen: of course! obama just wants to raise the debt ceiling so he can raise the roof! (laughter and applause) and folks, it's his 50th birthday bash so he's going to be partying out with his hollywood buddies like beyonce, george clooney, matt damon, brad and angelina, skinny jonah hill. dumbledore. (cheers and applause) meanwhile, meanwhile, me and louie gohmert aren't even invited. i say we let the economy go down the (bleep). stupid birthday. we just have to make sure that this thing is fixed by august 18 because that's louie gohmert's birthday! and his party is going to be way better. it's going to be him, michele
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bachmann and steve king eating pizza at the corner booth. (applause) and i didn't get invited to that one, either. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) with the 48-hour sale,
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(cheers and applause). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! my guest tonight is a media writer featured in the documentary "page one: inside the "new york times." " it combines the thrill of a
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newspaper with the heart-stopping action of a documentary. (laughter) please welcome david carr! (cheers and applause) david, good to see you again. >> good to see you. >> stephen: thanks for coming back. let's get right down to it. you write the media equation column for the "new york times." you're also featured in the new documentary "page one: inside the "new york times"" which is in theaters now. why make a documentary about the "new york times?" is that so later it can be shown in museums so people will know what newspapers are? (laughter) >> i think the gesture was to capture a certain time in newspaper history 2009 when he covered the media desk we were all writing about all these newspapers closing. it was a time when we all kind of wondered, are we going to end up typing our own names in these layoff stories somewhere? and so there was a lot of tension.
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>> stephen: how are newspapers doing right now? >> we're doing better. we paid back that big mexican billionaire early and... >> stephen: that's good. because if you don't pay mexican billionaires back they come for your knees. >> i don't think we want to get into that fight so we gave them money instead. (laughter) and the... our ads have stabilized. we pulled up to our customers on the internet and if they stop by 20 times we give them a little notice and say "how about giving us sugar here?" >> stephen: how about giving us some sugar? (laughter) so the gray lady has turned into the painted harlot? (laughter). >> stephen: . >> that's part of the brand repositioning. >> stephen: let's talk about what's going on with murdoch. pretty juicy stuff over there and i bet you people in the
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nonnewscorp world are just licking your chops? (laughter) you just love this story? shouldn't you have to... shouldn't you non-murdoch papers have to recuse yourself? you can't be objective. >> do the math. you've got a $40 billion big blob that owns fox news, fox sports, "new york post," "wall street journal." they closed 168-year-old newspaper is and they're run by an 80-year-old i go guy who almost got hit by a pie in parliament and he was saved by his hot chinese wife. (laughter) that's a great story. >> stephen: that is a great story. >> come on! >> stephen: isn't it much ado about nothing? how bad of a deal is it to hack people's phones? that's journalism! (laughter) how do you know what the truth of a story is unless you are willing to do anything? ed myrrh row said "by any means
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necessary." (laughter) >> i don't think he meant hacking into a 13-year-old murder victim's phone and... >> stephen: okay you're playing the 13-year-old murder victim, card. what about the 4,000 other people who got hacked into who were not that person? (laughter) that's so selective of you! >> stephen: the celebrities and the royals that got hacked i don't think people care about that. but in the instance of this victim-- and i'll play that card again-- they were deleting voice mails so that her family thought well maybe she's alive. >> stephen: okay, but... okay, okay. i understand... i understand what you're saying. that is not a good thing. but he has apologized. today in parliament he said "this is the most humble day of my life." >> right. >> stephen: as you said hervetion almost got hit by a pie. leave the poor old man alone and let them go about their business. hasn't he been punished enough? >> well, he apologized for everything and took responsibility for nothing. >> stephen: that's a leader!
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(laughter and applause) the people responsible were all fired. the people who worked for him. >> well, there's been ten people arrested as well so... and in terms of, like, where it ends, what actually... what actually happened, i think we're at the start of the story not the end of the story. >> stephen: fox news is also a newscorp holding. is there any indication that they've done any of this, you know, hacking into voice mail? because i'm not sure... i'm not sure that fox and friends could hack into their own voice mail. (laughter) you know, do you... (cheers and applause) they're just not technical sav savvy. >> those guys have their pins written on the back of their hands. >> stephen: exactly. exactly. so do i. is this going to have any affect on the rest of the news media? this scandal? >> it's going to give us lots of juicy things to write about for a long time.
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>> stephen: you people are going to sell papers based upon the things that they did? >> based on the misery of others. that's the trend. (laughter) smeup but isn't that murdoch's business model also? >> he's just better at it than we are generally. (laughter). >> stephen: you are something of a standout in this documentary. >> that's sort of like being the tallest leprechaun. (laughter) it's a documentary about a newspaper! >> stephen: thank you so much. david carr "page one" is in theaters now. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) [ male announcer ] introducing mgd 64 lemonade. 64 calories of beer with a refreshing lemonade twist. because the best kind of lemonade, is beer lemonade. new mgd 64 lemonade. refreshingly light.
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(cheers and applause). >> stephen: well, that's it for "the report," everyb